ولكنني قضيت هذه السنين كلها مصرا على الزواج منها-اعني, الارض. اجمع الفلس الى الفلس من احلها , من اجل نور عينيها. انا انهت غربتي, او كادت... سأبني بيتا كبيرا من حجر.وازرع البندورة و التفاح , ولو انني لست فلاحا, سأطبق احدث الطرق. سأهشم الصخر, و افرش عليه ترابا من تربتنا الحمراء الخصبة الجميلة . سأستنبت الحجر. وربك! سأحفر بئرا ارتوازية. سأجمع قطرات المطر !.. و سأتزوج حالما ارجع, لكي اجمع بين المرأة والارض. في العمر, بعد شئ من متسع, اريد ان انجب عشرة اولاد قبل ان أبلغ الستين. سأبحث عن أمراة عرف عنها انها منجبة. ارملة ما, ربما. سأزرع, ولو الفجل --وسأرسم. سأرسم كثيرا . سأرسم صخورنا واشجار الزيتون, وجدران الحواكير, وقروياتنا بفساتينهن الزرقاء والبرتقالية و ((حطاتهن)) البيضاء الضافية... تعالى زرني هناك, والبس حذاء ضخما, لأني سأمشي بك في الوعر, والطين. طبعا سأذوّد نفسي بألف أسطوانة موسيقية, فيفالدي وباخ وتلمان وجوسكان دوبري , وبرامز,وسيبيلوس,و سترافنسكس, وموسيقى اليكترونية حديثة. هذه حشيشتي وأنا من المدمنين عليها,ولكنني سأعيش مع الارض, مع التراب, مع الصخر. ستزورني هناك,بعد سنتين. سأكتب اليك رسائل طويلة ليهنأ غيري بالسفر في الطائرات والسفن. لن أسافر يومئذ, الاّ في ربوع بلدي. وكلما جن البشر من جديد, زرعت مئة شجرة أخرى. أنا أعرف انني لا استطيع ان انقطع عن الدنيا, ولكنني سأحاول الانقطاع عنها, لأكون اشد صلة بها. سيصطرعون فوق رأسي, هذا لا شك فيه. وسأخفي في بيتي بندقتين وبضع قنابل. ولكنني سأزرع, وارسم, وأربي عشرة أولاد, سيضيفون الى روعة الحياة --وان يضيفوا الى ماّسيها كذلك. زم هناك سأعمل على تقريب الساعة الحاسمة.

--السفينة - جبرا ابراهيم جبرا

وكانت سعادته اكبر حين قلت له بأن عليه نقل العصفور بنفسه من القفص القديم الى الجديد, وشرحت له بأن عليه ان يحتوي الطائر الصغير بين كفيه دون ان يضغط كثيرا خوف ان يقتله ودون ان يرخي الراحتين كثيرا خوف ان يهرب..
- واذا عضني
- معنى ذلك انك ضغطت عليه كثيرا ... ارخ راحتيك..
- واذا هرب؟..
-تكون قد ارخيت راحتيك كثيرا
--غسان كنفاني- عالم ليس لنا

out of the dark

i can find my way out of the dark... words will guide me out..

Color Quiz result

I have been taking this exam for so many times over the years, and its the most accurate exam i found online, it really amazes me!



Your Existing Situation
Unable to exert the effort to achieve her objectives. Feels neglected, desiring greater security, warm affection, and fewer problems.
Your Stress Sources
Delights in the tasteful, the gracious, and the sensitive, but maintains her attitude of critical appraisal and refuses to be swept off her feet unless genuineness and integrity can be absolutely vouched for. Therefore keeps a strict and watchful control on her emotional relationships as she must know exactly where she stands. Demands complete sincerity as a protection against her own tendency to be too trusting.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Circumstances are such that she feels forced to compromise for the time being if she is to avoid being cut off from affection or from full participation.
Trying to calm down and unwind after a period of over-agitation which has left her listless and devoid of energy. In need of peace and quiet; becomes irritable if this is denied her
Circumstances are forcing her to compromise, to restrain her demands and hopes, and to forgo for the time being some of the things she wants
Your Desired Objective
Hopes that ties of affection and good-fellowship will bring release and contentment. Her own need for approval makes her ready to be of help to others and in exchange she wants warmth and understanding. Open to new ideas and possibilities which she hopes will prove fruitful and interesting.
Your Actual Problem
Intensely critical of the existing conditions which she feels are disorganized or insufficiently clear-cut. Is therefore seeking some solution which will clarify the situation and introduce a more acceptable degree of order and method.

Acceptance

yesterday I came to an important conclusion: I really accept the person that I have become...

I dont care any more if I didnt become what I always longed to be, or that I am no longer the person i used to be.

I dont care that i didnt accomplish all the things I wanted to accomplish, that I didnt become a world-renowned scholar, or that I have not written poetry, novels or books....

I DONT CARE

and further more I cannot relate anymore to the person I used to be, I can never become me again at 16 or 17 or 18..

I stopped crying for things I have lost, for things I have not had, on people who betrayed me. I have had well beyond my share of crying.

I have spent all of my life either thinking of what I should become in the future, or what I used to be in the past, or what I could have been...I have never thought of the present, for the first time, I am not thinking of the past or the future.. I DONT CARE

for the first time in my life, I am glad of what I have become, I am happy where I am.. and I dont care...

I came to an important realization : we spend our entire lifetime trying to know ourselves, and that's because of something important..we are never the same person throughout our lives....

I am tired of crying, I am tired of feeling helpless, I am tired of despair, and I am tired of depression... I am tired of trying to become something else other than myself.

fear

So, I know it’s been like 4 months since I last wrote anything, the days are all the same.
But wow more than 1500 visitors… I am surprised…its not like I have been doing anything lately, not even reading, this is like the draught year and I haven’t got a job yet... its certainly the worst year ever with dying and failing and all that, the scary thing is that it can always get worse, and just when you think that it will be better, it doesn’t… but I am not that cynical or pessimistic, its just I cant talk like this around my friends or family, so its much easier to blurt it out on cyberspace… where no one knows you and no one cares… not as if they care here…

Anyways, it’s hard to put on a smiling face when you’re bursting inside and hard to cry, because people don’t like a whining child, but I am not pessimistic, because I thank God everyday, and I really have sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much that others don’t have, and I can enjoy so many things others don’t even appreciate, and because I have so many nice things inside of me, and because I look at the big picture…

but fear.. I can’t kill fear…

The Machinery

At one point in your life you hit the wall, the wall of reality, and you hit it hard. And you’re faced with no choice but to “get real”. You can’t follow your dreams, especially if you can hardly pin them out anymore, and you lead the kind of life you have always dreaded… Because it’s simple, you need bread on the table…(actually you need more than bread) .. you need a husband because otherwise something is wrong with you, you need a job because else you’re a failure…. But the most important thing that nobody seems to care that you lack is a “purpose in life”, a reason, and if you ask others do you have purpose in life, and they say yes, its money, career, or family…the same stupid circle.

“without really wanting at all, they [the majority of men] pay calls and carry on conversations, sit out their hours at desks and on office chairs; and it is all compulsory, mechanical and against the grain, and it could all be done or left undone just as well by machines; and indeed it is this never-ceasing machinery that prevents their being, like me, the critics of their own lives and recognizing the stupidity and shallowness, the hopeless tragedy and waste of the lives they lead, and the awful ambiguity grinning over it all. And they are right, right a thousand times to live as they do, playing their games and pursuing their business , instead of resisting the dreary machine and staring into the void as I do who have left the track.” – Steppenwolf, Herman Hesse

It's Alright Ma

IT'S ALRIGHT MA
Bob Dylan

Darkness at the break of noon
Shadows even the silver spoon
The handmade blade, the child's balloon
Eclipses both the sun and moon
To understand you know too soon
There is no sense in trying.

Pointed threats, they bluff with scorn
Suicide remarks are torn
From the fool's gold mouthpiece
The hollow horn plays wasted words
Proves to warn
That he not busy being born
Is busy dying.

Temptation's page flies out the door
You follow, find yourself at war
Watch waterfalls of pity roar
You feel to moan but unlike before
You discover
That you'd just be
One more person crying.

So don't fear if you hear
A foreign sound to your ear
It's alright, Ma, I'm only sighing.

As some warn victory, some downfall
Private reasons great or small
Can be seen in the eyes of those that call
To make all that should be killed to crawl
While others say don't hate nothing at all
Except hatred.

Disillusioned words like bullets bark
As human gods aim for their mark
Made everything from toy guns that spark
To flesh-colored Christs that glow in the dark
It's easy to see without looking too far
That not much
Is really sacred.

While preachers preach of evil fates
Teachers teach that knowledge waits
Can lead to hundred-dollar plates
Goodness hides behind its gates
But even the president of the United States
Sometimes must have
To stand naked.

An' though the rules of the road have been lodged
It's only people's games that you got to dodge
And it's alright, Ma, I can make it.

Advertising signs that con you
Into thinking you're the one
That can do what's never been done
That can win what's never been won
Meantime life outside goes on
All around you.

You lose yourself, you reappear
You suddenly find you got nothing to fear
Alone you stand with nobody near
When a trembling distant voice, unclear
Startles your sleeping ears to hear
That somebody thinks
They really found you.

A question in your nerves is lit
Yet you know there is no answer fit to satisfy
Insure you not to quit
To keep it in your mind and not fergit
That it is not he or she or them or it
That you belong to.

Although the masters make the rules
For the wise men and the fools
I got nothing, Ma, to live up to.

For them that must obey authority
That they do not respect in any degree
Who despise their jobs, their destinies
Speak jealously of them that are free
Cultivate their flowers to be
Nothing more than something
They invest in.

While some on principles baptized
To strict party platform ties
Social clubs in drag disguise
Outsiders they can freely criticize
Tell nothing except who to idolize
And then say God bless him.

While one who sings with his tongue on fire
Gargles in the rat race choir
Bent out of shape from society's pliers
Cares not to come up any higher
But rather get you down in the hole
That he's in.

But I mean no harm nor put fault
On anyone that lives in a vault
But it's alright, Ma, if I can't please him.

Old lady judges watch people in pairs
Limited in sex, they dare
To push fake morals, insult and stare
While money doesn't talk, it swears
Obscenity, who really cares
Propaganda, all is phony.

While them that defend what they cannot see
With a killer's pride, security
It blows the minds most bitterly
For them that think death's honesty
Won't fall upon them naturally
Life sometimes
Must get lonely.

My eyes collide head-on with stuffed graveyards
False gods, I scuff
At pettiness which plays so rough
Walk upside-down inside handcuffs
Kick my legs to crash it off
Say okay, I have had enough
What else can you show me?

And if my thought-dreams could be seen
They'd probably put my head in a guillotine
But it's alright, Ma, it's life, and life only.

Bob Dylan

Did you know that Bob Dylan was nominated for Nobel Prize in Literature for sum of his works…?
His words are haunting; there is no denying to that.

Clown In The Moon
Dylan Thomas

My tears are like the quiet drift
Of petals from some magic rose;
And all my grief flows from the rift
Of unremembered skies and snows.
I think, that if I touched the earth,
It would crumble;
It is so sad and beautiful,
So tremulously like a dream.